help the aged

odd

have been feeling old recently

drinking an espresso martini, have found that a martini shaker may well be my alcoholic downfall, but i will have to get some more cointreau and amaretto to make these things as good as they can be. much progress technologically of late. obtained free of charge at work a dual 1.0ghz quicksilver powermac g4. after 300 in upgrades of video card and hard drive have a desktop about as powerful as my laptop almost (even though the desktop is from 2002) for about half the price of a comperable mac mini. this has allowed me to focus the usage of my laptop to more laptop like things, and not be so scarce of free hard drive space, and to reinstall absolutely everyhting. and with the new chrome bag obtained in SF as well as the insane desire for a more nomadic lifestyle, ill actually use my laptop as a laptop, and with the EVDO from verizon which is now heavenly in terms of workingness, i can really have broadband anywhere.

aside from being gifted two martini shakers for xmas (my friends know me) also obtained a really cool coffee table in chicago, making my place just as cool but also cluttered. also got the airport express finally hooked up last week to play airtunes (refused to buy the damn cable i knew i had around here somewhere) so now i am actually listening constantly to the music the mp3blogs and the emusic and the higher spending on itunes are affording me.

and this is the part wherein i talk about the more personal shit, but since i havent used the journal for a personal venting area in a long time i am not as ballsy as i have been in the past, wherein i used to just post everything in here now im just doing it to those whom are curious enough and observant enough to notice this link. after literally 4 attempts and months too long, i finally severed the strange relationship with the older one. am still trying a friendship, but who knows what will happen with that. i did learn much from that one, but am not 100 sure it was a positive experience, except that i really should in the future trust my judgement and actually end things when i get the first inkling, especially when all the freinds whom mean anything to me are saying its time to get out. failing miserably at the attempt to be a single swinger for very long, i manage to line up dates with at least two different girls within a week (there is much chronology intentionally being left vague or ambiguous here, too many people know of this journal, and i am opposed to posting locked entries) but the one whom been accidentally longest in pursuing and memories of the last time i tried to simultaneously date two people caused me to never actually call back or set the date with the second. the current, whom i am happily infatuated with, is just one of those visceral that i cannot articulate why or what i like so much about her, but she impresses me to a different level (so much so that i become more inarticulate than usual) shes good, positive for me, and the complete opposite on so many levels to where i just was it is amazing. but like another in the past this is one of those with an overly convenient expiration date, this time grad school in the fall, probably leaving in the summer (i feel like kevin when i plan this far ahead) but somethingabout this attraction leaves me vulnerable, something i havent done in a while. so this is more complex, hence the next theme i will address publiclyand then there is what hit my mind yesterday. somehow in hanging out with mat,t one of my oldest friends whom i have known since last decade. i suddenly started feeling old. something about smoking up with this room full of kids only 3-4 years my minor, i am reminded of the fact that i have spent much of my life with people older than i, mostly just one or two years, but many in terms more. but so much more. i am now disconnected from school and academia, am disconnected from family, have real monetary concerns, telling stories of the past, in my own tiny place, life superseded far too often by possessions and experiences to resemble any stability. now stars a certain rejection of getting old. the drinking for fun, not for need, not for social, for fun, tho rarely getting drunk. the social and self-experimentation stays the same.

i guess the one thing i am missing of late is really the creativity. i need someone to pay off my debts and pay my bills and clean my place for me, and then i need to get hit by lightning so i can be an artist again. eric once called me creative, called me an artist. i was accidentally once a catalyst ,and while it scared the shit out of me, it invigorated the hell out of me. and as i approach the long foretold age of 25, im getting a bit anxious. qarter life crisis, or something, but shit. i thought i would amount to more by now. but at the same time, i look at those whom amount to much. and i can legitimately say that for the most part, i am happy

i could have so much more.

i do enjoy the rush of lack of sleep.

i do love life.

i need to kick myself in the arse again, somehow accidentally direct myself somewhere, anywhere. luke has done much of this reopening. sitting and talking to him the way that we all used to talk at buzz, about things we all are too fortunate to understand but too unfortunate to do anything about.

i have a market at my core, i determine the efficacy of things by how many people the can reach and how those people want what i make.

stages away from that product, i may someday be satiated